


Five Lights

by Aussiefan70



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 02:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7023934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aussiefan70/pseuds/Aussiefan70
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of being captured and tortured by Gul Madred.  So totally glossed over by the writers of the series....to their great shame, I hope.</p><p>Only my second fic...feedback welcome, but please be constructive and kind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Lights

FIVE LIGHTS

I sit on the couch in my ready room, having resumed command of my ship, and invited Deanna...no, not Deanna in this case; most certainly it's Counsellor Troi, to begin to make sense of how my mind should process my experiences of torture, at the hands of that Cardassian sadist, Gul Madred.

Let me start by saying I hate counselling.  Oh....I know it has its merits.  I doubt I would have mentally survived the loss of the Stargazer....or the assimilation by the Borg, or all of those thousands of losses at Wolf 359, without the assistance of highly skilled counsellors.  

But this feels different.  This time, the only person truly impacted is myself.  I am the only victim of Madred's torture.  He has no power over anyone but me, and....and....he has power over me.

I know I'm a strong willed man, with plenty of courage and determination.  You don't get to be captain of the flagship for the Federation, just on someone's whim.  

But at the same time, on this day, I struggle with feeling weak, of being, much as I want to deny it, a victim.

And yet, I fight that name, that title.   I am more than the sum of the things I  have endured, the things (and people), that have tried to break me.

While the hard experiences I have come through have taught me much about resilience, this latest...challenge, for want of a better word, has me questioning myself and the very depths of my soul.

Deep in my heart, I find myself asking why it is that I have had to endure so much?  It's not a question asked out of self pity, at least as far as I can judge. There is some nobility perhaps, in suffering, where there is a greater good or purpose underneath.  Human history abounds in stories of those that gave much to others, by taking on the burden of being to one to suffer.  There is a certain peace that one can reconcile with, in choosing to suffer so others might be spared.

And at one point, Madred opened this door, effectively forcing me to choose between my own life and Beverly's.  But truly, I think I knew that he probably didn't have her.  I just couldn't dare to take the risk.  And shortly, it became so much more obvious, that this whole process was just a ruse, an excuse to inflict torture on another, simply because he could do it.  It was never truly about Minos Corva.  That was obvious after the first round of drugs, where he established that I didn't know those defence plans.

No, at the centre of this whole experience, was his belief that he had the unchallenged right to do everything within his power, to destroy another being, purely for the pursuit of...I don't even know what it was to him...joy, revenge, a sick game?

He was willing to destroy another sentient being for no reason other than the manipulation of another's mind and spirit.  For the purpose of forcing a brain to see what isn't there.  To force me (and I am so tired of being compelled to do things I find horrendous) to lose myself and my control, into the hands of one who happily tears apart a mind, a heart and soul, simply to try to break me...over the difference of 4 lights or 5.  

There were just four lights, weren't there?  I wish I knew any longer, with certainty.  He took away my ability to trust in what I see and how I judge others

And so I find myself questioning...myself..my choices..my honour.  

How can I continue to to serve as Captain, when all I am was taken from me?

I can't give him this power....I won't give him power....I choose to take all power back from him

I hope he rots in hell....he deserves that fate.

I will rebuild...and take back that which was stolen.  I will be strong again...Captain of the Flagship....I am strong again....I am strong again.

I hope I can be strong  again....I pray it will be so.


End file.
